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I did a little bit of an exercise before I went to bed tonight this morning. I made a list of characteristics that I see in myself now that are not so wonderful, such as prideful and impatient. I then made a list of things that I aspire to see in myself (encourager and efficient). I wish I could say that the good list outweighed the bad list.
When I first began to make this list, the things that I am and desire to be were quite obvious. Things previously mentioned like pride, impatience, encourager and efficient were among the top of both lists. However, as I sat and really began to think about who I am spiritually and emotionally, the truth began to rise to the surface. As I acknowledged the things on the “bad” list, it became apparent that these simple things were suspended by a much more intricate support system.
As I looked at the words “pessimistic”, “arrogant”, “lazy” and “angry” (among plenty of others… believe me), there were four words that rose to the surface in their place.
False. Tired. Lonely. Outside.
Within 40 seconds I was forced to recognize a very real truth. The pressure to outperform, outdo, out-think, and out-smart causes this inner desire to please not only those around me, but also myself and my God. The consistent hankering by others to “do the job right, good, perfect, and impeccable” has morphed into this terrifying gospel of never being good enough and when the desire is not met, the human reaction slowly turns into God’s reaction and thus, I turn the living and breathing God into a micro-manager, acknowledging all my mistakes, making sure that I know very well what I have done wrong.
Brennan Manning calls it, “the false self.” It is the person that has taken the place of “me” and puts on the facade that everything is under control. Through this process, I dare put everyone around me down in order to make sure that I feel as though I have control. I raise my voice, lose my temper and throw emotional punches in order to make sure that my own heart stays afloat. The ones around me no longer feel encouraged, supported or loved. Rather, they feel put down, beaten and bedraggled because I needed to “feel good about myself.”
The gospel of Jesus turns that though around, shakes it up and shoves it in our pipe, begging us to smoke it. “Blessed are the poor in spirit,” Jesus says, “for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.” This should be the keystone to living a life sold out to Christ. Yet, I have found myself in this odd twilight zone episdoe in which ministry is tiring and draining and no longer do I have the desire to talk about Jesus, the savior of my life, as I once did at a previous time.
It is only when we feel the eyes of Jesus penetrate our deepest pains of loneliness or self destruction that we then see the need to live a life of being true to who we really are. We take these tiny steps of spiritual discipline into a world of humility, peace and reconciliation. We look back on who we once were; baggy eyes, dirty finger nails and torn hearts; and see that all we had to do was let go of inhibitions and let the God of consistent and everlasting love take over.
Oh, that we could all take those steps into a divine experience with our Father and respond in a way that changes the world around us.
Abba, thank you for seeing me for who I really am even when I don’t even know who I am supposed to be. Feed me encouragement so that I may encourage others. Give me patience, strength and perseverance when the easy thing to do is to yell and give up. Give me humility. Lord of all, give me direction in my life as I try to see what is next. Thank you for loving me. Amen and amen.
